Tiffany Rambles

Disclaimer: This is not a depressing post. I am NOT depressed (surprising, right?). Actually, I'm very happy. I'm in love, I'm doing the things I've always wanted to do and am finally starting to get paid for it, and I feel like I have a reason for existing. However, being happy doesn't mean there aren't times where I think, "Damn, I really suck." So, in no particular order, here are the reasons why:

1.) I'm a cloudcuckoolander

This is moreso in reality, when I'm hanging out with people (and especially my boyfriend). I'm a lot less of a cloudcuckoolander on the interwebz. If you read the page, you'll notice that being a cloudcuckoolander isn't all too sucky. It's pretty awesome, since skill is often underneath all that weirdness, but it does make moments with me a little awkward. I say random, irrelevent things just because said random, irrelevent thing came to my mind. I ask questions just because. I blank out a lot and end up in some imaginary world within my mind. However, I'm still paying close attention to reality (except when I'm not). Worse of all, it makes me come across as an airhead. Which brings me to my next point...

2.) I'm a contradictory conundrum

See, even that title is puzzling. I'm like two different people in one. On the one hand, I'm super serious and motivated and all about success. I have an ego that doesn't take well to being told I'm stupid and I have a dangerous streak. On the other hand, I'm really a dumbass who blanks out. There is so much going on in my mind that my thoughts overload into nothingness. I'm as harmless as a teddy bear (yknow, the adorable ones and not the ones that come to life and try to kill you). The problem with having two separate personalities is that switching between the two confuses me and everyone around me.

3.) I get antsy for change and adventure

Which, as crazy as I am about research and preparation, makes me come across as reckless. I like to take risks. I don't like doing things the normal, healthy way because I'm all into defining success on my own terms. If it feels nice outside, you better believe that I'm packing a backpack with artsy stuff and heading out to...do whatever. This will often involve meeting a psycho. -_- Sure, this is all part of the entrepreneurial drive, but it makes me anxious when things are consistent and that's a feeling I need to get rid of now that things are, well, consistent and very well should be consistent.

4.) I Stretch Myself Thin

I'm not as bad as I used to be. This time around, I take breaks and talk to people and make sure to get more sleep. In all, I am no longer an insane workaholic with one too many goals. However, I do have a hell of a lot of goals, so much so that I can honestly admit to myself that if I'm not careful I'll stretch myself thin. I want to self-publish a book, traditionally publish a book, submit to a number of magazines and contests, get my license, learn how to cook, get and maintain a part-time job, run an editing sole proprietorship, and run a book blog. That's....a lot, lol.

5.) I'm Still Not There Yet

I accept myself. I love who I am and I accept that the bad stuff I went through is what made me who I am. Still, I'm not *totally* there. As in, there are still moments where I look at or someone or hear about their achievements and think, "Shit, I'm not good enough. Look at her, doing so well in college. I bet my parents would be more proud if I were there right now, doing that well. Look at him, being so clever and intelligent. Why can't I effortlessly be clever and intelligent instead of a contradictory cloudcuckoolander who both thinks too much and not enough?" The thoughts come and go. They don't put me in the dumps and make me cry, but it still sucks that I waste about 5-10 minutes of my day even thinking about that stuff.

So, it's been weeks since I've last posted. The next time I post, which will be soon and not weeks later, I'll actually talk about the things I've been doing. I just really wanted to do a "5 Reasons Why..." list, namely because I love Cracked. Also, because I'm random like that, my most recent favorite two songs:

When a person doesn't update their blog for as long as I haven't updated my blog, it's hard to summarize all that has happened since the last post. Heck, in my last post, I still had 3 more weeks to go before I'd be finished with the scholarship program. I've already been out of the program for a week or so.

Meaning, if I tried to summarize all that happened in between, I'd certainly miss some stuff and this entry would be really long. It's my understanding that most people don't like really long posts. How do you feel about length in blogging?

So this entry automatically becomes one of those overarching posts that I don't really enjoy because so much is skipped over. But I'm saying all of this because I will be going back to updating every Saturday. Yes, I've sorta kinda said that in a previous post, but I'm for serious this time! If I'm gonna have to slowly but surely get accustomed to following the schedule I set for my critiquing business, I'll also have to slowly but surely get into the schedule I set for my blogs.

What will I talk about? Random things on my mind. Life at Indiana University Bloomington. My writing.

It'll basically be the same, just more consistent. And also, because it will be consistent, there'll be less overarching posts. ^_^

Thanks to the inspiration I'm getting from J.S. Chancellor, Michelle Davidson Argyle, Tim Burton, Neil Gaiman, and - most recently - Johnny Depp, I've been high in the clouds.

Whenever I read a blog post from Chancellor or Argyle or Neil Gaiman, I'm reminded of where hard work can get a dedicated writer and that it's not all entirely out of reach. Whenever I watch a movie Johnny Depp is acting in or Tim Burton is directing, I am reminded of why I love and write in the dark/horror genre.

When I saw Sweeney Todd in choir class yesterday, I walked out of there with a big, goofy smile on my face and I thought, "THIS is why I write! To make readers feel the way I feel about my story, about my characters, about the atmosphere, about the passion." If I can do that for one reader, just ONE, my life will be as complete as it would be if I could get Neil Gaiman to say hullo to me. lol.

Because I am reminded of why I write, I go about my daily goals with much more passion and direction, and its working wonders for my writing. These days, I can't stop writing. Sometimes all this passion feels silly, but I want to take advantage of it before being overwhelmed steps in again.

God, I'm such a romantic! When I'm singing, when I'm writing, when I'm reading, when I'm listening, when I'm imagining,when I'm acting....life feels entirely worth living. Sometimes I'm nervous or lonely or distressed, but I'm mostly happy and thrilled and anxious and passionate all at the same time. I think all those emotions go hand in hand for a creative person anyway.

These days, I'm mostly content and willing to work towards reaching my goals. And it's the best feeling ever.

<<< That guy is Neil Gaiman, the first person I've ever been this much of a fan over. I'm serious. I'm often fangirl spazzing over characters, but hardly people. I think Stephen King is a close second. >>>

Anyway, I am going to be totally uncreative and give you a list of why today is so good, and then I will give a very short list of what may tamper my happiness.

• I laughed and smiled and ate alot of junk food in school and got away with wearing jeans the whole day.
• I finished Chapter 2: Home Sweet Home, and I think I accomplished removing the slow, boring bits that made me self-conscious of my writing. Four important conversations were had. My main character now has the biggest migraine (incidentally, so do I, but more on that later.) The Big Bad called and said, "I know exactly what the future brings for us, and I'm anxious with excitement. It finally all begins. Child, you're in for one hell of a ride." And, incidentally, I was also anxious with excitement...even though I've rewritten this story 6 times in five years and know everything in store. I felt like I was in for one hell of a ride too - not just with writing this again, but with reading it again. I spend some nights talking myself into depression about my writing skill, but I AM telling the story I've always dreamed of reading, and hopefully it's the same for someone else too. That's what really matters, how freaking passionate I am about Savior of the Damned.
• I finished the first of ten scholarships I'm going to be completing these next two weeks. Because of these scholarships, I've taken novel writing out of my schedule. Fortunately, my classes are so easy that I can write during class. This will all change in college, when I go back to serious nerd mood, which is why I'm taking advantage of it now. Anyway, I'll print and finalize everything tomorrow and send it off.
• Things on Triple R are still slow, but I feel the site is at least improving some, and it's forcing me to challenge myself in ways I never would have before. Actually doing author interviews and agreeing to review short story collections and a nonfiction book? For me, that's conquering silly fears of mine that will undoubtedly get me one step closer to my dreams in writing.

The One Bad Thing That May Tamper My Happiness, But I'll Try My Hardest Not To Let It:

• Oh my god, this throbbing in my head is only getting more persistant! I know this is gonna sound silly, but I swear my body is connected to my story. >.< Yesterday I felt really empty and surreal after writing a chapter about my character feeling empty and surreal. Today I have a massive headache after finishing a chapter that ends with my main character having a massive headache. And trust me, there have been more coincidences throughout the years.

That is all! Also, not that you asked, but WHY am I such a fangirl of Neil Gaiman? I read his blog and love his humor and feel connected to him, like I've known him my whole life even though I've been fairly unsuccessful at even getting him to say hi. He started young with book reviews and articles, just like I am, and he gives me even more of a reason to improve at writing. One day, I just want to be in a position to say hullo to him from one writer to another and that is all, and there's this largely childish girl in my heart who writes all my stories and believes that becoming a published author will give me that opportunity.

During class, when I started to list the things I wanted to talk about on Tiffany Rambles, nothing came to mind. I stared at my one flimsy sentence and realized that I was probably gonna have to create some type of failproof-blog-topics-idea system. However, it only took a minute or so for the thoughts to start pouring out. Now this blog post will contain a multitude of thoughts - ones that don't correlate to the thought before, but I'll try - fit for my personal blog and not for my reviewing one.

My staring-at-flimsy-sentences-and-smelling-DOOM-syndrome also comes forth when I write. Not all the time, but it certainly does. Fortunately, the same thing from above happens: a multitude of paragraphs follow, and I have to connect them, and suddenly there's a chapter! Anyway, this is a long-winded way of me saying that I'd like to talk about where I'm at with my story, Savior of the Damned. If you keep up with my blog, you know that Rhemalda Publishing offered to see a full manuscript after some edits have been done. That's what I've been doing. The ideas quickly followed, and I realized that, if I wanted to deepen characterization, I'd have to add a few more chapters, remove a few, and greatly alter others. It's daunting, yes, but I'm EXTREMELY happy to know I can get lost in my story world again. I'm almost done with Chapter 1: Home Sweet Home...I think. >.< It's like more stuff keeps happening that I hadn't mentally prepared for. lol.

Since we're on the topic of writing and DOOM (this is the entirety of my mind, likeforserious), I'd like to randomly toss out there that this is also scholarship month for me. Meaning that, from March 14-28, I'll be writing loads of essays for loads of scholarships. I've won two, but I need more moneyz, so back to essay topics that are basically just the same questions rephrased. How will I balance this with novel writing and book reviews and school essays? I'll make it happen, but I think a writing burnout will occur. Let's hope not; those suck.

So, I love love love Neil Gaiman. How does this apply to anything I've said? Well, I'm an aspiring writer and he was an aspiring writer at one point, so there! Mostly, I find him to be extremely inspirational. He is living the life that I dream about all day and all night, even though I'm aware of how stressful it can be. 3-4 years ago, I attempted to read all of his blog posts. I gave up only because I had parental controls back then and some of his posts had cursing words. I HATED having to skip a post, so I just stopped reading them. Now that I'm 18 and have no computer restrictions, I can finally finish my venture. His blog is 10 years old. Will that stop me? Nope. When I was in the 8th grade, I told the public librarian that I would read every single one of the fantasy books on the top shelf. It was a loooong top shelf. She gave me a funny look. Did that stop me? Nope. I gave her what I hoped was a funny look back and dedicated that whole month to completing that.

Wow, oh wow, do I go off on tangents. >.< (Also, having been in an honors Trigonometry class, I hate the word tangent).

Over at Triple R, I went through a 1-2 month unofficial reading break. Yes, I'm aware that the site is called Triple R: Read, Rate, and Review, and I probably should have been focusing more on those main aspects, but I did get wrapped up in a number of events (the events below are only what I can remember off the top of my head too):

1.) Guest Appearances
2.) Rhemalda requesting the full manuscript of Savior of the Damned
3.) Facebook Marketing Series
4.) General fatigue and scholarships

So, why am I putting this post here, on my personal blog, instead of Triple R? Well, the days I generally post on Triple R are being taken over by the Facebook Marketing series. >.<

The good news is that I feel like I'm back to normal with my reading, and I want to make it known that me slowing down with my reading had NOTHING to do with Andrea Kane's 'Drawn in Blood.' I am currently reading Walter Rhein's 'The Bone Sword,' and I feel like I should hopefully get through it by this week. It's not as long, nor is the font as small, as Drawn in Blood (once upon a time, this never played any part in my thought process about reading a book. I used to always be able to finish a book 300 pages or under in one day. Oh, how things have changed.)