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Five Reasons Why I Suck

Disclaimer: This is not a depressing post. I am NOT depressed (surprising, right?). Actually, I'm very happy. I'm in love, I'm doing the things I've always wanted to do and am finally starting to get paid for it, and I feel like I have a reason for existing. However, being happy doesn't mean there aren't times where I think, "Damn, I really suck." So, in no particular order, here are the reasons why:

1.) I'm a cloudcuckoolander

This is moreso in reality, when I'm hanging out with people (and especially my boyfriend). I'm a lot less of a cloudcuckoolander on the interwebz. If you read the page, you'll notice that being a cloudcuckoolander isn't all too sucky. It's pretty awesome, since skill is often underneath all that weirdness, but it does make moments with me a little awkward. I say random, irrelevent things just because said random, irrelevent thing came to my mind. I ask questions just because. I blank out a lot and end up in some imaginary world within my mind. However, I'm still paying close attention to reality (except when I'm not). Worse of all, it makes me come across as an airhead. Which brings me to my next point...

2.) I'm a contradictory conundrum

See, even that title is puzzling. I'm like two different people in one. On the one hand, I'm super serious and motivated and all about success. I have an ego that doesn't take well to being told I'm stupid and I have a dangerous streak. On the other hand, I'm really a dumbass who blanks out. There is so much going on in my mind that my thoughts overload into nothingness. I'm as harmless as a teddy bear (yknow, the adorable ones and not the ones that come to life and try to kill you). The problem with having two separate personalities is that switching between the two confuses me and everyone around me.

3.) I get antsy for change and adventure

Which, as crazy as I am about research and preparation, makes me come across as reckless. I like to take risks. I don't like doing things the normal, healthy way because I'm all into defining success on my own terms. If it feels nice outside, you better believe that I'm packing a backpack with artsy stuff and heading out to...do whatever. This will often involve meeting a psycho. -_- Sure, this is all part of the entrepreneurial drive, but it makes me anxious when things are consistent and that's a feeling I need to get rid of now that things are, well, consistent and very well should be consistent.

4.) I Stretch Myself Thin

I'm not as bad as I used to be. This time around, I take breaks and talk to people and make sure to get more sleep. In all, I am no longer an insane workaholic with one too many goals. However, I do have a hell of a lot of goals, so much so that I can honestly admit to myself that if I'm not careful I'll stretch myself thin. I want to self-publish a book, traditionally publish a book, submit to a number of magazines and contests, get my license, learn how to cook, get and maintain a part-time job, run an editing sole proprietorship, and run a book blog. That's....a lot, lol.

5.) I'm Still Not There Yet

I accept myself. I love who I am and I accept that the bad stuff I went through is what made me who I am. Still, I'm not *totally* there. As in, there are still moments where I look at or someone or hear about their achievements and think, "Shit, I'm not good enough. Look at her, doing so well in college. I bet my parents would be more proud if I were there right now, doing that well. Look at him, being so clever and intelligent. Why can't I effortlessly be clever and intelligent instead of a contradictory cloudcuckoolander who both thinks too much and not enough?" The thoughts come and go. They don't put me in the dumps and make me cry, but it still sucks that I waste about 5-10 minutes of my day even thinking about that stuff.

So, it's been weeks since I've last posted. The next time I post, which will be soon and not weeks later, I'll actually talk about the things I've been doing. I just really wanted to do a "5 Reasons Why..." list, namely because I love Cracked. Also, because I'm random like that, my most recent favorite two songs:

1 Response
  1. This helped me get to know you better. :) I'm happy you are not depressed!