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In my most recent post, I talked about the Special Syndrome I suffered through throughout highschool. It was a hard post for me to write because for the longest time I hated the idea that I always wanted to feel like a special snowflake. I hate stories with 'special snowflakes.' Those types of characters irritate the hell out of me. Yet I spent so much of my life hypocritically wanting to be that way. Putting the post up, though, was a way for me to let those feelings go and get them out in the open.
I got three comments on the blog and one on Facebook, which is much more than I'm accustomed to. The comments were a great help, so thank you Aaron, Michelle, Jawan, and Cindy! Because Cindy asked me to post how I got to where I am now, this is the follow-up post where I will do just that.
How I go to where I am now? Well, I don't particularly feel like I'm anywhere right now, to be honest. I feel like I'm in a limbo of trying to get somewhere, like I'm on this loooooong highway trying to get to some semblance of independence (a car and a steady income) and some semblance of my idea of success (a published novel and a consistent stream of clients for Honest Crits). But because I'm a progressive person who is always trying to reach that next big goal, I mostly always feel like I'm in a limbo. Of course I do stop to admire what I've done along the way and what I'm doing now, but I'm not the type of person to just stop and remain in one spot. Love is the only thing where I prefer sticking along for however long me and the guy can make the love last, and even then I like progression. I want us to grow with each other, to talk, to figure out what we want and what we don't want and respect each other as a result of knowing that.
But I digress. I'm sure that when Cindy asked that question, she meant how did I (for the most part) get past all those terrible emotions I faced in high school and find enough confidence to post it all on my blog and put it behind me.
Well, it was rocky. I got to this point after a couple of panic attacks from being overwhelmed and realizing that I was living the life others wanted me to live and not the life I wanted to live. See, that's what happens when you're a people pleaser. When I was in college, miserable as all hell, depression almost ate me whole. Of course, having Matthew by my side did help by a lot. He makes me feel beautiful and most of all he makes me feel loved and cherished. I know my own value now. So I thank him for that.
But what really got me here now was being able to analyze my emotions and understand the main reason I've been depressed.
The voices. For me, it's the voices. When I'm depressed, the thoughts in my head always put me down. You're ugly. You'll never make it. That was a dumb choice. He'll leave you. Why do you talk? Blah blah blah. I think...A LOT. I'm constantly analyzing, theorizing, creating, arguing, but all in my mind.
Those voices are bad when you've mistakenly trained them to attack yourself. However, those voices are wonderful as hell when you apply them to something in life that DOES need analyzing, theorizing, creating, and arguing.
Ever wonder why I'm a reviewer, editor, and writer? Well, my thoughts work perfectly for all those tasks. Because I'm focusing all those voices on a business, on something not me, on something I could make money from, the voices are too occupied there to turn on me. Sure, I wear a lot of hats, but that's because I have enough thoughts in my mind for two people anyway.
I know that sounds crazy, but these are how I got where I am now and how I hope to get somewhere even better as life goes on:
I got three comments on the blog and one on Facebook, which is much more than I'm accustomed to. The comments were a great help, so thank you Aaron, Michelle, Jawan, and Cindy! Because Cindy asked me to post how I got to where I am now, this is the follow-up post where I will do just that.
How I go to where I am now? Well, I don't particularly feel like I'm anywhere right now, to be honest. I feel like I'm in a limbo of trying to get somewhere, like I'm on this loooooong highway trying to get to some semblance of independence (a car and a steady income) and some semblance of my idea of success (a published novel and a consistent stream of clients for Honest Crits). But because I'm a progressive person who is always trying to reach that next big goal, I mostly always feel like I'm in a limbo. Of course I do stop to admire what I've done along the way and what I'm doing now, but I'm not the type of person to just stop and remain in one spot. Love is the only thing where I prefer sticking along for however long me and the guy can make the love last, and even then I like progression. I want us to grow with each other, to talk, to figure out what we want and what we don't want and respect each other as a result of knowing that.
But I digress. I'm sure that when Cindy asked that question, she meant how did I (for the most part) get past all those terrible emotions I faced in high school and find enough confidence to post it all on my blog and put it behind me.
Well, it was rocky. I got to this point after a couple of panic attacks from being overwhelmed and realizing that I was living the life others wanted me to live and not the life I wanted to live. See, that's what happens when you're a people pleaser. When I was in college, miserable as all hell, depression almost ate me whole. Of course, having Matthew by my side did help by a lot. He makes me feel beautiful and most of all he makes me feel loved and cherished. I know my own value now. So I thank him for that.
But what really got me here now was being able to analyze my emotions and understand the main reason I've been depressed.
The voices. For me, it's the voices. When I'm depressed, the thoughts in my head always put me down. You're ugly. You'll never make it. That was a dumb choice. He'll leave you. Why do you talk? Blah blah blah. I think...A LOT. I'm constantly analyzing, theorizing, creating, arguing, but all in my mind.
Those voices are bad when you've mistakenly trained them to attack yourself. However, those voices are wonderful as hell when you apply them to something in life that DOES need analyzing, theorizing, creating, and arguing.
Ever wonder why I'm a reviewer, editor, and writer? Well, my thoughts work perfectly for all those tasks. Because I'm focusing all those voices on a business, on something not me, on something I could make money from, the voices are too occupied there to turn on me. Sure, I wear a lot of hats, but that's because I have enough thoughts in my mind for two people anyway.
I know that sounds crazy, but these are how I got where I am now and how I hope to get somewhere even better as life goes on:
- I fell in love and allowed myself to trust my heart with another who respects me.
- I analyzed where my problem lies - in the voices within my head that put me down - and applied that problem to the things I'm good at. By doing that, I was able to make something positive out of the negative.
- I've practiced retraining my thoughts to not attack me because, I don't know, that's rather silly.
I read this last night, but I didn't have time to comment, until now.
First of all, thanks for posting this up. I just realized that I do have an active mind... but in a very accusative way. Like you described, I feel like crap when I'm alone since my head goes to everything I did wrong or what I could have done better each day.
That's why I love reading and writing. It distracts me, and it pleases me.
I need to stop being so much of a people pleaser because once I'm home, all the frustration I had towards certain people is taken by my family...
I need to do the same as you did and turn my negative thoughts into optimistic and encouraging inspiration. (:
It's pretty hard to do, but I have confidence that you can do it! Also, be prepared to be willing to give yourself pep talks when you relapse. I relapse into depression and self-doubt all the time. In fact, I did just this morning. Felt like crap. But then I talked myself out of it.