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Memories are elusive. Even when I try to hold on to them, even when I look back and try to recall all the smells and words and images, they seem to slip away. Maybe it's because I'm a writer, but I see my life in chapters. I can hardly remember the time I lived in Chicago with my mother, nephews, nieces, and sisters. Those five years in Blue Island have already slipped away, so much so that when I go back to Blue Island (rarely), I feel like something is all wrong, like I'm interfering on a static setting that should be in my past and not in my present. I left Blue Island so abruptly that I'm still a little shell shocked about all the abandoned relationships and unspoken words. I'm as obsessed with 'proper endings' as I am with memories. Hell, those 6 or 7 months in Indiana University Bloomington, as hellish as they were, now seem as though they never happened.
There are so many more memories, so many more chapters. It's especially odd that I'm infatuated with the past because I'm just as infatuated with my future.
My obsession with memories and the mind's ability to hold on is very clear in Savior of the Damned, and it will be even clearer in later drafts (I plan on doing a better job showing that the first book is just as much about memories and escapism as it is about supernatural creatures).
In fact, I've learned more about myself from Savior of the Damned than I have from any time spent in a therapist's office. I learned that I despise escapism because, to a higher extent than I want to admit, I'm an escapist. Like Alecia, I have a bad habit of running from myself. I've second guessed my own emotions so much that sometimes I feel like I may have burned them out, but I know that's a lie. I know my emotions are much too strong and volatile to burn out, so, like Alecia, I attempt to mask them.
I've gotten better now, though. A loving relationship helps those things, but every now and then I'm afraid. Can I trust myself to not screw up?
Speaking of memories...for me, being in a reflective mood is synonymous with being in a 'Google Yourself' mood. So, how long have you been living on the internet? I've been here since 2004 (meaning since I was 13. I do remember being online when I was 12, but I'm not sure I can - or want to - find any proof of that). I didn't search my name. Instead, I searched all the usernames I can remember having. Here are the awesomesauce and lolwut things about my past, according to what I could find on Google:
10 Do's and Dont's of Writing: An article I wrote back when I was president of the Teen Advisory Board for the Blue Island Public Library. Considering I must have been either 15 or 16, I think it's a pretty good article.
Writer's Haven: This was not only the first successful forum I created (see the lolwut section for all the unsuccessful forums), but the first successful website. Creating this website got me on my high school's newspaper team as a freshman, even though freshmen weren't allowed on the team.
Ladywarrior12 Fanfiction Profile: I was 14. Fortunately, none of my fanfiction is up there anymore.
Roleplay Getaway: Another messed up forum, much like The Warriors. Once upon a time, I used to be big on roleplaying on forums.
There are so many more memories, so many more chapters. It's especially odd that I'm infatuated with the past because I'm just as infatuated with my future.
My obsession with memories and the mind's ability to hold on is very clear in Savior of the Damned, and it will be even clearer in later drafts (I plan on doing a better job showing that the first book is just as much about memories and escapism as it is about supernatural creatures).
In fact, I've learned more about myself from Savior of the Damned than I have from any time spent in a therapist's office. I learned that I despise escapism because, to a higher extent than I want to admit, I'm an escapist. Like Alecia, I have a bad habit of running from myself. I've second guessed my own emotions so much that sometimes I feel like I may have burned them out, but I know that's a lie. I know my emotions are much too strong and volatile to burn out, so, like Alecia, I attempt to mask them.
I've gotten better now, though. A loving relationship helps those things, but every now and then I'm afraid. Can I trust myself to not screw up?
Speaking of memories...for me, being in a reflective mood is synonymous with being in a 'Google Yourself' mood. So, how long have you been living on the internet? I've been here since 2004 (meaning since I was 13. I do remember being online when I was 12, but I'm not sure I can - or want to - find any proof of that). I didn't search my name. Instead, I searched all the usernames I can remember having. Here are the awesomesauce and lolwut things about my past, according to what I could find on Google:
Awesomesauce
Which Savior of the Damned Character are you?: I almost forgot about this quiz! You should take it. See which one of my characters you are.10 Do's and Dont's of Writing: An article I wrote back when I was president of the Teen Advisory Board for the Blue Island Public Library. Considering I must have been either 15 or 16, I think it's a pretty good article.
Writer's Haven: This was not only the first successful forum I created (see the lolwut section for all the unsuccessful forums), but the first successful website. Creating this website got me on my high school's newspaper team as a freshman, even though freshmen weren't allowed on the team.
Lolwut
The Warriors: A Proboards forum I made and abandonded in 2006. It huuuurrrrrtttts! I'm sure I have one or two more forums like this that also hurt, both grammatically and visually.Ladywarrior12 Fanfiction Profile: I was 14. Fortunately, none of my fanfiction is up there anymore.
Roleplay Getaway: Another messed up forum, much like The Warriors. Once upon a time, I used to be big on roleplaying on forums.
******
There you go, three for three! The list could go on, but I have a critique to finalize and a self-help book to work on. Plus, the lolwut section is starting to scare me. Anyway, here's something funny (oh my god, this cracks me up every time >.<) and a favorite song.
I know what you mean about memories. I kinda have the same kind of feelin sometimes, except less that my life is a series of chapters (although, I guess we're all heroes in our own stories, y'know? [unless you're Nick Caraway--then Jay Gatsby is the hero of your story haha] /end nerd talk) and more that everything is fleeting. Feelings like anger and contentment, individual moments like this one hour or this one day, collective moments like this month or this year, etc. It'll all pass eventually, and then I'll hardly remember it. For instance, I still have a hard time believing I've been to Poland (twice).
Which brings me to: photos! :D I used to be attached at the USB port to my camera. It's a lot less so nowadays, but I still bring it to the big events (like trips to Poland). I guess it's kinda the same reason I blog shit, review books, write stories--just to capture the moment.
It makes me feel like Ritsuka from Loveless sometimes haha.
Also, I REMEMBER THE QUIZILLA DAYS. AND THE FF.NET DAYS. EVEN THE RPing DAYS. Man, those were interesting times. (By the way, I took that quiz, and apparently I'm an Alecia Crawford haha.) I guess I should do the "Google your username" thing, since I have had a strong Internet presence for a long time running. Pretty nifty look-where-you-came-from reminiscence.
One last thing: I'm sorry my comments always end up being fuckin novel-length. :\
Shit, I practically lived on Quizilla, FF.net, and RP Forums. The boyfriend is serious about roleplaying, so even though I roleplayed on forums when I was a preteen, I still feel like a total NOOB with him, lol.
I'm starting to get better at photos, but also not really. -_- I have a bad tendency of keeping loads of photos on my camera and never uploading the stuff.
You know, I never thought of it that way, but that may also be the same reason why I blog, review, and write - I just love capturing the moment. Some part of me doesn't like the idea of moments, definitely powerful ones, just slipping away...but it has to, eventually.
I'm Alecia too, but I'm also very close to being Isaiah. I knew the test was kinda flawed when Matthew took the test and came out as Augustine, but I found it awesome, all the same, that I was Alecia and he was Augustine. You know, the romantic in me cheesed REALLY hard.
Oh no, I love that they're so long! Seeing as how I hardly get comments anyway, and your comments are fun to respond to. Have you ever seen my comments (this one, for instance)? Most of my stuff is tl;dr too.