Tiffany Rambles

Memories are elusive. Even when I try to hold on to them, even when I look back and try to recall all the smells and words and images, they seem to slip away. Maybe it's because I'm a writer, but I see my life in chapters. I can hardly remember the time I lived in Chicago with my mother, nephews, nieces, and sisters. Those five years in Blue Island have already slipped away, so much so that when I go back to Blue Island (rarely), I feel like something is all wrong, like I'm interfering on a static setting that should be in my past and not in my present. I left Blue Island so abruptly that I'm still a little shell shocked about all the abandoned relationships and unspoken words. I'm as obsessed with 'proper endings' as I am with memories. Hell, those 6 or 7 months in Indiana University Bloomington, as hellish as they were, now seem as though they never happened.

There are so many more memories, so many more chapters. It's especially odd that I'm infatuated with the past because I'm just as infatuated with my future.

My obsession with memories and the mind's ability to hold on is very clear in Savior of the Damned, and it will be even clearer in later drafts (I plan on doing a better job showing that the first book is just as much about memories and escapism as it is about supernatural creatures).

In fact, I've learned more about myself from Savior of the Damned than I have from any time spent in a therapist's office. I learned that I despise escapism because, to a higher extent than I want to admit, I'm an escapist. Like Alecia, I have a bad habit of running from myself. I've second guessed my own emotions so much that sometimes I feel like I may have burned them out, but I know that's a lie. I know my emotions are much too strong and volatile to burn out, so, like Alecia, I attempt to mask them.

I've gotten better now, though. A loving relationship helps those things, but every now and then I'm afraid. Can I trust myself to not screw up?

Speaking of memories...for me, being in a reflective mood is synonymous with being in a 'Google Yourself' mood. So, how long have you been living on the internet? I've been here since 2004 (meaning since I was 13. I do remember being online when I was 12, but I'm not sure I can - or want to - find any proof of that). I didn't search my name. Instead, I searched all the usernames I can remember having. Here are the awesomesauce and lolwut things about my past, according to what I could find on Google:

Awesomesauce

Which Savior of the Damned Character are you?: I almost forgot about this quiz! You should take it. See which one of my characters you are.

10 Do's and Dont's of Writing: An article I wrote back when I was president of the Teen Advisory Board for the Blue Island Public Library. Considering I must have been either 15 or 16, I think it's a pretty good article.

Writer's Haven: This was not only the first successful forum I created (see the lolwut section for all the unsuccessful forums), but the first successful website. Creating this website got me on my high school's newspaper team as a freshman, even though freshmen weren't allowed on the team.

 Lolwut

The Warriors: A Proboards forum I made and abandonded in 2006. It huuuurrrrrtttts! I'm sure I have one or two more forums like this that also hurt, both grammatically and visually.

Ladywarrior12 Fanfiction Profile: I was 14. Fortunately, none of my fanfiction is up there anymore.

Roleplay Getaway: Another messed up forum, much like The Warriors. Once upon a time, I used to be big on roleplaying on forums.

Yes, it's true. This is my personal blog, so I honestly don't care if telling you about my monetary situation is in bad taste. I'm not even an adult on my own yet and bills are already killing me. This whole starving artist crap is really starting to get to me, that's for sure. I can't afford my phone bill. I can barely afford to see a CPA for my business and pay my monthly Aweber newsletter bill. I would love to buy a printer/fax machine/copier/scanner, but I know I won't be able to buy it for a while. Hell, more importantly, I need to find out how I'm supposed to pay for college and a car.

I'm trying to be a trooper about this, but it is so very hard to get a part-time job (and I'm applying everywhere. I used to have 'standards,' like I thought I would never apply to McDonald's, but now I don't care) and a stready stream of clients.

What I like the least about this starving artist thing, beside not having any money, is just that it's starting to feel like I'm doing things more and more out of a desperation for money.

Now, now, I'm not saying that I do things for money. In the business of writing and editing, that sounds greedy and like I'm undervaluing the services, but I'm not. I promise. I love editing and writing and reading and promoting. I do those things because I do them best and because they make me happy. But I really do need to start making some more money soon, somewhere, someway (legally).

On another note, my mind is still a story factory. It sucks all around that I haven't been writing fiction. I've been writing plenty of self-help nonfiction, yes, and I do enjoy it because I enjoy the idea of helping other fellow writers, but fiction is a totally different game. From the minute I wake up to the minute I sleep, stories play out in my head. Characters, new and old, talk to me. I smile at scenes as though they were memories. I zone out and cease to exist as nothing but a storyteller.

So, basically, right now I'm a 'poser' writer, but I at least wanted to make it clear that I have NOT given up. Here's a hilarious song and a depressing song. Enjoy!

You know, sometimes you just have one of those days where damn near everything that can go wrong seems to go wrong. Take today, for instance...

• My laptop got a virus. I don't know how. All I know is that it happened super fast and threw me off guard. I generally take good care of my electronics. Hell, I'm one of those snobs who don't understand how anyone could let their computers become virus infested with so many free, wonderful opportunities like Microsoft Security Essentials, AVG, Adblocker and CCleaner when, in actuality, they just may not be aware of those services. The fact that someone has a virus infested computer shouldn't lead to an assumption about their personality. Anyway, my laptop got a virus and wouldn't turn on for about five minutes. I rage cried and realized that if I had to buy a new laptop, that'd take all my car savings. However, my computer performed a basic recovery and everything is working fine now...except I no longer have my music, documents, pictures, or favorites. Thousands and thousands of stuff I loved was lost. Fortunately, I'm an e-mail hoarder and could save some of the stuff I lost (for instance, a whole draft of my novel Savior of the Damned and the books I need to review), but that's the price I should pay for not being smart enough to back my shit up ages ago.
• My phone froze and blacked out on me right as a potential client messaged me on Twitter to say that they were considering my editing services. I had to completely take the battery out.
• My Kindle would not let me type a status on Facebook. I'd hit the letters and numbers on my touch screen and nothing would happen at all.

Mind you, all of those things happened back-to-back. However, after all of that, I'm still hopeful. I have Matthew (our one year anniversary was yesterday) and my business stats are steadily progressing (my Alexa stats are finally in the hundred thousands instead of the millions, I have 10 subscribers to my newsletter, and I have 60+ page likes).

Today I'm writing for five hours - one hour each for this blog, Reader's Den, my marketing book, scholarships/contests, and Cracked (oh yeah, I'm now a writer for Cracked! It's like a dream come true. My firsy paying gig) - and I'm actually very excited! It's been a while since I just sat down like this and created content.

Hopefully, my next post will be a continuation of my Cool Things about the Internet series. Maybe I'll talk about Googling yourself or maybe I'll talk about TV Tropes. TV Tropes sounds more appealing though.

Anyway, heres an amusing vid (so much passion!) and a song I currently really like (I don't know why).