Tiffany Rambles

Holy hell, I have a massive migraine. I also woke up this morning with a mind deadset on relapsing back into depression. This isn't new, though. What *is* new is that I've gotten much better at pep talks. All I had to do was get indignant with the doubts and the bullshit and tell myself, "I don't want to be a better someone else. I want to be a better me, and I can be a better me without being blind to the good things about me now."

It worked. These days, that always works. Now, apart from the migraine and what I think may be a sore throat in the works, I feel just fine. Fine enough to do a more upbeat post about the cool things on the internet. I'm sure this will be a series of posts. There are LOTS of cool things on the internet I'd love to talk about, like Cracked and TV Tropes and Memes and Creepypastas and Let's Plays....

Alexa Toolbar

Yes, I kinda suck.

Yesterday I went into extreme marketing mode and got fixated on finding stats for Reader's Den. Of course, just as I expected, stats for Reader's Den are pretty damn low. Sure I get 50-99 views a day and, on a day where I post new content, I get 100-200 views. But, in the grand scheme of the internet as a whole, I'm like a baby mouse in space.

In spite of the fact that my Alexa rank is so low (for now) that I perhaps shouldn't have it on my front page like I'm proud of it, I went and downloaded the Alexa Toolbar.
That was an awesome choice. Even if you're not a website owner obsessed with you and your competitions' website stats, downloading the Alexa Toolbar would still be an awesome choice.

I spent a lot of time yesterday going to all my favorite sites, looking at their ranking, and clicking the wayback button to see what the very first post of the site looked like. I learned that the top four websites are as follows:

1.) Google
2.) Facebook
3.) Youtube
4.) Yahoo!

I really wish I could guess what number five is. I mean, I knew those four sites would be the top four even before Alexa told me. The ranking was fun, but not half as fun as the wayback button. Ohhh boy. Wanna know what Myspace looked like in the 1990s? It looked hilarious, that's what. Wow has Myspace changed over the years.

I giggle every time. -_- But hey, it *was* the 90s. Limited internet abilities and all.

Same thing for Youtube.

Youtube has changed so much that it's hard for the robots to even capture it.

I really wanted to see Google and Facebook, but those sites make going wayback impossible.

Beside the fact that the wayback feature often makes me giggle about website design in the 90s, I kept going wayback because I love progression. There's something wonderful about comparing the beginning product to the current or end product, about jumping between the past and the present and being able to easily say, "Wow, things have really changed."

For me, that's motivation. It's a way of saying that just because your Alexa ranking is embarrasingly low today, and you have limited website capabalities now, doesn't mean that it will always be that way. If I work hard enough, I can press wayback for my site and giggle at the past as well.

Plus, I also find something eerie about the old versions of this site still being there and archived. It's like they're perpetually trapped in the past but...also not.

Anyway, next time I'm gonna talk about Googling yourself because that's also a cool (yet sorta scary) thing about the internet. Now I leave you with a funny vid and whichever song is currently playing on my playlist. The first vid is much funnier if you're into Skyrim or know about the FUS RO DAH meme. On another note, the migraine calmed down by a lot. ^_^

I'm an observer. Klout says so, and I know so. I watch Facebook and blogs and my e-mail all the time. That's how I know that Amanda Hocking's book Switched is one of the four most requested books on the Library-Thing's early reviewers program; that's how I know that the cover for Michelle Davidson Argyle's book, The Breakaway, has just been revealed; It's how I know that Tiffany White is building her publishing portfolio and her hard work, as proven by the fact that three of her stories have been published, is finally paying off; and it's also how I know that J.S. Chancellor is back on her writing cycle with an admirable, inspirational fervor. There's probably also a lot more I'm aware of. Hell, I could send a weekly newsletter gathering all the info I pick up when browsing the web.

As a person whose life is for serious based around the writing world, it's important I observe and keep track of what's going on. To improve my writing, editing, and coaching, I need to know what's happening. Still, there needs to be a limit to all this observing. What happens is that you read about all these OTHER people getting their success that they've worked hard for and will continue to work hard for, and you start to live vicariously through their lives. In spite of all the goals you may have set for yourself, in spite of all you want to do, observing makes it easy for you to slowly but surely put your own goals behind you.

Also, it feuls that dreadful voice all us writers have that tell us we're not good enough and will never be good enough. You start to think, "Damn, I could never reach that point."

Observing all these success stories is good and inspiring, but you have to be willing to get out there and make your own success. Or else it'll pass you by and you'll be saying, "Damn, I could never reach that point" forever.

Any measures you could take now to assure that doesn't happen to you?

Yesterday, I finally finished typing Chapter 5: In-School Suspension (you can find it on Scribd and Fictionpress). Savior of the Damned is one chapter away from part 1 being completed! Today I wrote the first two paragraphs of Chapter 6: Danny.

It's taken me so long to do all of this. Now it's weeks, but I can remember a time in my life when I could get through full chapters in days (this is the 6th draft). Yet I still managed to finish, and that's what makes me most happy.

I want to be able to dedicate more time to my writing and business. Both are so close to the next step. Just a couple more nudges, a couple more days of sheer devotion, and they could be on their way to a higher level. For right now, unfortunately, that may be too much to ask for (I'm having college complications). I can't take the dangerously fast steps I used to. I'm like the baby bird up above.

For each step, I now have to put my arms out, look straight ahead at the light in the distance, and know that no matter how many times I struggle, I can get back up and spread my arms out again. It's no use looking behind me, unless to admire what I've already passed.

What has greatly helped me is returning to all the creative things I surrounded myself with when I first began writing. I don't know why, but when I got to college, I stopped...I stopped immersing myself in anime, losing myself in music, interpreting art, analyzing and enjoying movies, keeping up with the blog posts of those I admired (except for a very small few), watching game walkthroughs, and reading just for pleasure.

Recently, after even more baby steps, I returned to those things. I'd love to start this anime called 'Nightmare Inspector (Yumekui Kenbun)'; I'm searching for soundtracks I once loved; I often find myself on Google Images; yesterday I watched and greatly enjoyed Triangle (I am listening to the sountrack now. It's wonderful to write to); I bought two Stephen King books; I'm interested in finishing a walkthrough of Kingdom Hearts; and, last but not least, I sporadically read as many blog posts as I can.

It's been wonderful for my muse! All the passion to take part in these creative achievements has come back, full throttle.

One day, I hope to be published. I hope to be an editor with a good track record and an English degree. It's like what author James Fouche said in an article about balancing writing with another career - determination, determination, determination.

Each steady step is one of determination and passion.

I've changed by a lot, mostly for the good, but I haven't changed completely. Ever since I dedicated my life to that of writing and entertainment, I think I also convinced myself that life could be as controlled, as plotted, as the novels I write and the movies I enjoy.

But it can't be.


That sits like an eerie thought on my conscious, especially after this weekend of coming back home to family and my boyfriend after a couple of hard, particularly lonely weeks at college. I don't live in the now. I pretend to, I convince myself that I do, but I don't. I never have. I live somewhere between the past and the future. However, that place isn't the present. I don't know where it is. It's like a limbo where I fantasize and fear obsessively about the past and future.

For the longest time, my surroundings were dull and dead. I could hardly hear and see things around me. Every day was like a dreamy haze. Yet when I came back home this weekend, everything was so real and tangible. My sister's laugh, my dad's smile, the green grass, the sound of traffic, my boyfriend's voice, the feel of his skin and hair, how it sounds when he says, "I love you."

I've been having my doubts about college. It makes me feel trapped, like I'm following some societal expectations of success, and it highlights how lonely I can get because it's so big and I'm so tiny. So at first when I realized how much brighter things had gotten when I returned home, I began to consider that maybe I should just transfer to the college near my house.

I realized that wasn't what this new appreciation of my surroundings and emotions meant, though. It took a momentary scare from my boyfriend to make me realize just how badly I need to cherish the now. But...I don't know HOW to do that.

I think that's the saddest part. Being in love is great because it forces a person to live in the moment, in the now...yet I still don't really truly know how to. And I'll be damned if I don't learn. I just need the people in my life, the ones I love, to stick with me a little bit longer while I learn. It'll be hard. I don't have just college to worry about. I have a business and a novel too.

I'll try if you try with me. 

This post will primarily be about what I discovered when writing, but it does tie into how my day went in general.

So yay, it's my birthday! I turned nineteen (a pretty pointless age, to be honest. It's just one step closer to 21). Only a couple of my birthdays after I turned 12 were eventful. I can remember some going by with maybe one or two cards. At some point, I became a little sad about my birthday. This birthday, however, has been both the best and worse birthday I've ever had.

Facebook made it so that I woke up to 50+ happy birthdays. I got a card from my roomie. My ma's gift came in. And, when I finally go back home next weekend, I can anticipate something from my boyfriend and his mom and my dad. I feel very happy and, as some would say, blessed.

But I woke up really sick, got a scary message from an ex-boyfriend, had to go to work, and got soaked after treating myself to a cheap shopping spree for things I mostly needed moreso than wanted. Right now, while I'm sitting in a room with a couple of other college students, I feel as though this was overall the best birthday I've ever had.

Why? It was my choice, from the moment I woke up, to make sure I would be optimistic about today regardless of what was ahead. I made the choice that this would be a good, if not great, birthday. That mindset helped me remain in a good mood.

This brings me to my novel and the current draft I'm working on. In other drafts, I realized that I never allowed Alecia (the main character) to make choices. She's kidnapped, and that's how she learns her link to supernatural matters. All the characters seem to push themselves on her. Though Alecia is the type of character who allows that, up to a high extent, it would be nice to see her make some more choices for once.

And it's actually much more fun to write. To be honest, I'm still having something of a hard time with Alecia. She's a very hard character to write because of all the stuff she's been through and all the stuff I'll put her through. However, ever since I've invested more energy into making her take just a little more charge, I've connected with her more.

I didn't realize how to write this until I taught myself how to live this way. That's partly why I love writing. It correlates to the stage you're living, in a sense.

Thanks to the inspiration I'm getting from J.S. Chancellor, Michelle Davidson Argyle, Tim Burton, Neil Gaiman, and - most recently - Johnny Depp, I've been high in the clouds.

Whenever I read a blog post from Chancellor or Argyle or Neil Gaiman, I'm reminded of where hard work can get a dedicated writer and that it's not all entirely out of reach. Whenever I watch a movie Johnny Depp is acting in or Tim Burton is directing, I am reminded of why I love and write in the dark/horror genre.

When I saw Sweeney Todd in choir class yesterday, I walked out of there with a big, goofy smile on my face and I thought, "THIS is why I write! To make readers feel the way I feel about my story, about my characters, about the atmosphere, about the passion." If I can do that for one reader, just ONE, my life will be as complete as it would be if I could get Neil Gaiman to say hullo to me. lol.

Because I am reminded of why I write, I go about my daily goals with much more passion and direction, and its working wonders for my writing. These days, I can't stop writing. Sometimes all this passion feels silly, but I want to take advantage of it before being overwhelmed steps in again.

God, I'm such a romantic! When I'm singing, when I'm writing, when I'm reading, when I'm listening, when I'm imagining,when I'm acting....life feels entirely worth living. Sometimes I'm nervous or lonely or distressed, but I'm mostly happy and thrilled and anxious and passionate all at the same time. I think all those emotions go hand in hand for a creative person anyway.

These days, I'm mostly content and willing to work towards reaching my goals. And it's the best feeling ever.

"Would you like me to give you a formula for success? It's quite simple, really. Double your rate of failure. You are thinking of failure as the enemy of success. But it isn't at all. You can be discouraged by failure or you can learn from it, So go ahead and make mistakes. Make all you can. Because remember that's where you will find success."
- Thomas J. Watson

I'm one of those people who thrive off of goals and to-do lists, off of any steps that bring me a little bit closer (or a lot closer) to my main goals. As a writer, it's the same. I apply a bunch of scenes and side quests that will bring my main character to the point of the story, the main plot. When I'm not applying myself to my limits, I get lost and worried. I feel like I'm falling far behind. In a sense, being goal-oriented is my way of fighting depression and anxiety and unease. I need to feel like I have a place in this world, however small that be. I need purpose.

Basically, I fight for success. My idea of success is a mixture of conventional ideals of success and my ideas. Before I die, I want to be a published author; I want to have a website or two capable of income with committed followers; I want to enter into many writing contests and actually win some of them; I want to get a Ph.D.; I've even grown into liking the idea of having a husband and a family at some point.
But fighting for success can be really overwhelming, and when there's a setback, boy does it really set me back. I have to take a considerable amount of time silencing all of the negative thoughts in my brain, telling myself loads of positive things.

So, what's the setback? Do you remember that playwriting contest I blogged about and when I said I won that? Well, I just got a message today from them saying I DIDN'T win. I've asked about it, but I'm certain it wasn't a mistake and that I really didn't win.

Sure, I'm only 18 and I can enter in many other contests, but the knowledge that I was a semi-finalist in the Ypip contest is what renewed my desire to pursue script and playwriting! I was really looking forward to the opportunity to travel to Indianopolis with my best friend and watch my first play get performed, but now that opportunity has been randomly snatched from under me.

It's saddening, but I know I can't waste time being saddened. To reassure myself that this doesn't make all of my writing endeavours a failure, I had to vow to try harder, to really get ahead in the writing world.

One day, you know; one day!